Venting... - Forums - You mad?
Sapien , AskÝy, 19 - total posts: 9
I just feel the need to let all of my feelings out on some kind of platform. Not really expecting anyone actually to read this, but still having some hopes that it will make me feel a bit better. This rant isnít about anything particular, just my life in general - things that have gotten built up inside me without ever letting any of it, nor my actual feelings, be known to those around me.

Growing up I was a quite normal kid. At least all through elementary school. Except in 6th grade or so when I pretended to be sick for almost a whole year, and so missed school for almost a whole year and actually ended up making myself believe I was sick for real. But either way, my real issues begun when I started middle school. Cliques started forming, I had one friend at school - but she was always mean to me as well. I ended up changing schools. Didnít enjoy my new school either, but thatís not really the point. Point is that I was lonely. My parents werenít bad people, but I couldnít connect with them on an emotional level. Already at the age of 12-13 or so, I went online and talked to many different people on many different platforms. Most were much older men, and I pretended to be much older than I actually was - which obviously was not very convincing. Then one day I found mylol, ęyay, people closer to my ageĽ, I thought. I had social anxiety and self esteem issues. In the beginning I was to scared to even upload any pictures, but after a while I uploaded a profile picture. I was still 13 at the time. People actually started talking to me... People paid attention to me, people complimented me. I had never felt anything like that before. It felt good. It felt as though I was being validated. I started posting more pictures. I noticed how the less clothing I wore in my pictures, the more people would talk to me and the more people would compliment me. I started spending hours just dressing up in skimpy clothing and taking pictures of myself. Some people called me a ***, but any attention was better than no attention. That was my mentality at the time. Anyways, long story short - some dude who was apparently a previous administrator at this site ended up blackmailing me, saying he would send my pictures both to the police and call my parents (as he had my IP address apparently). At this time I was 14 or 15. I was......... scared as *** to say the least. I went out in the woods and just sat there crying for hours, too afraid to go back inside. I was at the same time talking to another guy, who said he would pay the blackmailer money to forget about all of it. Desperate times calls for desperate needs, and I agreed to let him do it - even though I usually would let no one spend money on me. But then one thing went to another and the second guy started blackmailing me instead. Calling for me to send him worse and worse pictures. I went along for a while, as this guy had actually paid the first guy, but I just felt like a worthless piece of ***. After a while I couldnít take it, and I blocked the guy (this was on kik) - prepared to take the consequences that might come. He of course made a new account and messaged me again, threathening me. So I deleted the whole kik app. After this I did not just struggle with social anxiety and self esteem issues, but also just anxiety, panick attacks and depression. This lasted for years. At high school some people actually told the school nurse they were worried about me, so she called me to her office. I ended up just sitting there crying for 2 hours without saying anything, and then leaving to never return. I went back to mylol, and fell back into bad old habits around that period - but around a year ago I managed to stop almost completely. But old habits are hard to change, and what was once on the internet started to translate to real life situations. In less than half a year I had sex with 9 different guys. I had no interest in sex, I didnít like sex. But my passive personality and social anxiety led me to many uncomfortable situations. I met guys from Tinder (in the country where I study, Korea), hoping to find someone nice I could open up to and finally have someone I could feel close to. But all the guys, literally every single one ended up taking advantage for me. In most cases I literally pushed them away and said I didnít want to do anything - and they still continued. I spent the subway ride back to the dorms crying my eyes out - trying my best to hide it for no one to see. I was ashamed, I felt horrible. Like a useless ***ing *** for everyone to take advantage of. I still feel this way. To this day I have never met a single person I felt comfortable sharing my emotions with. There are a lot worse stories I have of these encounters, but I am getting sleepy and should probably end this rant in a short manner. I am now back in Norway for the holiday, with my mother being an emotionally unstable wreck breaking out crying or shouting at random times, and my father just being with his girlfriend at any possible time. I am not sure what I should do with my life at this point.

Anyways, rant over for this time. - Jan 31 2019
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zakanimeboi, Mukwonago, 14 - total posts: 13
Hey...Its alright. People are just ***s that don't know how to treat someone with respect and just ***ing don't think before they act. I'm a guy and I hate other men. I kind of hate myself. Just believe. That's all what i'm doing to stay sane. Just believe in yourself. Nobody can tell you what to do. If they would care they wouldn't treat anybody like garbage or ***. Hope you feel better.
- Jan 31 2019
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MagiAmora, Seattle, 20 - total posts: 6
Judging by the fact that you still have an account and have uploaded over 200 pictures, you clearly have learned nothing from your life experiences - Jan 31 2019
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zakanimeboi, Mukwonago, 14 - total posts: 13
Really? Just stop.
- Jan 31 2019
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MagiAmora, Seattle, 20 - total posts: 6
Common sense and truth is not something you can just stop - Jan 31 2019
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Sapien , AskÝy, 19 - total posts: 9
Originally posted by : MagiAmora
Common sense and truth is not something you can just stop


Uhm, well yeah. I know I have issues... thanks for pointing it out? - Jan 31 2019
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MariMcCain, Norwalk, 15 - total posts: 14
I'm sorry to hear all this, no one deserves to go through what you've encountered. If you ever need to talk about your problems, I'm here. I know you don't know me but you aren't alone in your situation, I've gone through some of the same things you've had. You are very brave to tell your story on this platform, that probably took a lot of courage. Everything is going to be okay, try to exclude yourself the negative and focus on having a more positive mindset (the first step in doing so is realizing your problems and why they are hurtful, which you've already done). You'll get though this! - Jan 31 2019
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Sapien , AskÝy, 19 - total posts: 9
Originally posted by : MariMcCain
I'm sorry to hear all this, no one deserves to go through what you've encountered. If you ever need to talk about your problems, I'm here. I know you don't know me but you aren't alone in your situation, I've gone through some of the same things you've had. You are very brave to tell your story on this platform, that probably took a lot of courage. Everything is going to be okay, try to exclude yourself the negative and focus on having a more positive mindset (the first step in doing so is realizing your problems and why they are hurtful, which you've already done). You'll get though this!


Thank you, I honestly really appreciate your kindness. And at the same time I am sorry to hear that you had to go through similar issues. I wish such a pain upon no one. - Jan 31 2019
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Baronkush, Los Angeles, 19 - total posts: 2
Hey how are you doing? - Jan 31 2019
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david4003, Takoradi, 19 - total posts: 2
what is this
- Feb 2 2019
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